Saturday, June 29, 2013

Day 31.

I know I could've added Day 31 to the previous post on this subject, but it's long and I wanted it to have it's own entry.


Day 31, Friday:  A vivid memory.  

The day I gave birth.  


I remember being so happy after the drugs.  I had to wait an hour (in pain) for the only anesthesiologist (spellcheck?) on staff to finish with an emergency surgery to come drug me.  lol.  

After that I was talking all kinds of nonsense... at one point I tried speaking to my husband and explaining what I was experiencing due to the drugs, but I felt like my words were slurring.  So the only logical one-sentence I could come up with was "I FEEL LIKE HECTOR LAVOE".  (read up on him... very popular Salsa singer and there was even an amazing movie made of him with JLo & Marc Anthony).  I chose him because he was always drugged up and drunk.  That's how I felt.  LOL.  Made my point didn't it?!?!?  lol.

The best part of this memory was after snoozing on cloud 9, I woke up to a strange feeling.  Like I had to potty (to put it nicely).  Which was THE BEST ADVICE that I EVER RECEIVED about giving birth.  When you feel like that, it means the baby is coming and you gotta push.  Well, since there were no docs in my room I knew I had to hold the "feeling" in and not move a muscle.  After the nurse came and saw the baby's head, she started calling for a doc to hurry because I was ready.

My doc was in another building on call for his appointments and was paged.  A new doc entered the room and at that point I could give 2 cents who it was that would deliver this kid.  LOL.  He made a huge entrance with a witty one-liner (which I remember giggling at and thinking 'i like this guy'), then he takes a peek and says, specifically, "DON'T PUSH".  So that's what I did.  I stood there and didn't push.  Even though every instinct in me and muscle in my body begged me to do it.  He kept repeating "Don't Push".  And I patiently waited for him to give me the okay.  My legs were lifted by a nurse and my husband and all of a sudden a baby was thrust onto my chest as the doc said "CONGRATULATIONS, IT'S A GIRL!".  


I was so mad.  Everything happened so fast.  My husband and I looked at each other, but he was wisked away in bliss at the thought of cutting the umbilical cord.  I looked at the baby and didn't get the warm fuzzies you're SUPPOSED to get upon seeing the angelic face of your first child.  I just kept looking around the room for answers.  I finally turned to the nurse and asked her if it was a girl.  She eased my anxiety with a smile and said "No, it's a boy".  

Either that loony doc was horribly mistaken, or he tried to pull a fast one on me.  

Needless to say I didn't enjoy the first few moments of Gio's birth.  I think it has scarred me.  The guilt of not loving this baby unconditionally.  I had prepared for months and made everything perfect for a boy in the nursery and the shock of it being a girl really hurt me deeply.

I'll never forget how relieved I was.  But I will also never forget the regret.





Thanks Jenni.  I really enjoyed this series of questions... I learned a lot about myself and I'm sure my readers did also.



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